Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
