omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
