i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.