Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.