listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
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I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit