found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
