Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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