I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
