I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
