I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
