I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
