Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i think my cat just said my name.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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