so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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