My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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