I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
