i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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