so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
