I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
