Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
