I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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