Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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