Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
