respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
