I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
