Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
