P.S. I can't hear my feet
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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