what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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