I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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