He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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