she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
