I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
