beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
