You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
