youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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