They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
