apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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