found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
