i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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