New invention idea: vibrating tampons
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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