I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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