dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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