My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
