does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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