So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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