mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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