As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize