So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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