I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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