so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
