I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Alive.
So much puke
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
