you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
