Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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