in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
