What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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