i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Semen is not good for contacts.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
