We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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