he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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